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Awani
09-04-2015, 12:28 AM
This rant became a bit long... but I just had to accept I had to write till I felt finished... :cool:

I feel like I am finally landing after many years working with ayahuasca (and iboga), but mainly ayahuasca. It has been a long healing process, and it still continues... but I really feel emotionally healed. Much more than I anticipated.

http://i60.photobucket.com/albums/h18/deviadah/forum/buddha-enlightenment_zpspzmk0nbl.jpg

Been thinking about no fear for the last couple of years. I guess it comes from being afraid. Truly afraid. Of the infinite.

I recall as a kid feeling dizzy and a bit freaked out when I tried to perceive the vastness of the universe and of time... what eternity truly was...

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Dream 1

About ten years ago I had a horrible dream. I was sleeping in my flat and I heard/sensed a presence outside my door. I knew something was entering the room. I got up, rushed to the door to see/stop it... I was met by the most white light imaginable. The sound of the light was like knives to my ears. It was harrowing.

I woke up screaming.

Then later in life when I had my ayahuasca/iboga experiences/initiations I beheld God. But I dislike the word God... I prefer the Light. It is a futile word, but the best I have at the moment.

It freaked me out many times. I was appalled at the magnitude of it. I felt like a feather trying to make sense of a hurricane.

But then I also saw/experienced how to accept it. Accept the Force. Accept the Light. Accept God. I cannot think of the better words. I cannot explain this "aware immaterial bubble" we are in.

Yes Aware Immaterial Bubble, or AIB is what I will call God from now on. Sounds like Abe. :D

To embrace AIB we (and by we I mean I - no pun intended), must have no fear. No fear is a peaceful mind. Such a state is true power. To be at peace in any situation. Not apathetic. Aware. But at peace.

And how do I achive peace? By being pure. Still of heart and mind. Still is as in loyal. Pure is clean. Of mind and of heart. I have already been in such states... increasingly lately... but never fully all of the time. It comes and goes at shorter intervals. It is very new for me.

My emotional life from birth to the present has been (chronologically): Confusion - Angst - Anger - Hate - Seeking - [Present].

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Disclaimer

I am not saying anything original. I guess I am just trying to simplify the way I feel about it. I am not trying to preach anything... just documenting my path... and I accept the fluidity ...

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[B]No Fear

To be fearless is easy if you have a clear, still, pure, devoted (yes, devoted to the AIB) mind or state of being.

Can't recall if I said it before, but I had this vision once of seeing the shadow of an ant trying to darken the sun, and then seeing a pitch black void being destroyed by the lighting of a single little match.

Why fear that which is inevitable?

The classic battle of god and evil is illusionary when you have no fear. How can evil exist if there is no fear? A girl is raped and killed. But if she experienced the ordeal with peace of mind... accepting the pain... riding the wave... letting go of her family... stillness of the mind... not blaming the rapist, letting go again... only love, and knowing that this is just another wave... and in the light, between the realms/levels just going back in for a breather... or full on immersion. Depending on how brave you are. ;)

It does not mean I will allow myself to be a victim, but sometimes we experience we are... and I will try to accept the inevitable... whatever it may be...

There is no evil. Nothing can corrupt AIB. AIB is not good. AIB is not evil. In the truly high state there is only love/light. The shadow of an ant cannot darken the sun.

Love for me is like how I imagine the flower feels about the sun. It fully accepts it.


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Dream 2

The other week I had my second dream of AIB.

In the second dream AIB was a purple/indigo light and I was just before it. It was AIB in all its glory. And I opened my eyes. Wide awake. Staring straight into the eyes of my girlfriend who was already awake. "What..." she said a bit startled. "I saw God!" [this was before I came up with AIB]

After having thought about all this a lot in the last few years... on a deep personal level... and through strong emotinal experiences... I now accept it.

These two dreams mark the beginning and conclusion of ten years of pondering and trying these ideas out on a practical level. I accept that the only way to really transmute is to accept/no fear. In order to achieve some sort of leveling up on all levels then acceptance is key. And it requires surrender. But not defeat. Because I have always accepted it. Before I was I.

We are not fallen. We have only accepted to temporarily NOT accept that everything is already accepted!!!

Didn't someone write somewhere around here that FEAR is False Experience Appearing Real?


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Conclusion

I am basically saying I accept fear... I will not resist it, because there is nothing to resist... I accept love... I will not resist it... because it is all there is. I embrace the experience... and I accept that I might be utterly wrong... because why fear failure?

Even if everything I just wrote is bullshit I fully accept that.

This is the path I will, and have been, trying to walk these last few years and so far it does seem to grant me greater peace of mind than anything I have tried in the past.

It is truly dev 2.0. LOL! I honestly am not the same anymore. I don't think it has been visible to anyone in my life. Maybe a little - to some, but certainly not as visible as it has been for me, because I have always had a pokerface (even without being aware of it; I can be laughing but looking like a zombie).

It has been a quiet explosion inside brewing for the last five years or so...

No Fear - Only Love

It sounds like a catchphrase, but hopefully this post brings some weight to it.

I had a darkness and sadness inside me for so long. It feels like it is gone. I am sure to slip on a few banana peels, but I'll be ready... ;)

The experience is the experience. Not the other way around.

I feel at peace... more so than ever before in my life.

I cannot speak of any other method as I have no experience at all, but for me, ayahuasca truly works. I am crying writing these words. Truly.

Ayahuasca is amazing! Sometimes it takes years for one ceremony to land in your spirit. It is like a long gentle, but firm, wave of an experience - internally - that goes on long after drinking it. It stays. I do not say I recommend anyone to drink it. I am just saying that for me it has done so much good.

Wow. That is how it has been. I am impressed. I have not expected this to happen to me. I hoped, I wished... but I never thought I could actually feel better inside.

My words are just letters. I've tried documenting my ayahuasca (and iboga) experiences, because I have always been a student/researcher... I want to investigate... but ayahuasca does not care about that. It truly heals people. My God... I mean my AIB. I have only shared 30 % of what I have experienced here in the forums.

I have had real emotional troubles. I have been suicidal. Those emotions have vanished. I cannot believe it.

Your experience of me here in the forum, if you have one, is only a filtered version of myself. As you are for me. There are only so much we can experience of a person behind a few posts. But right now I am writing with no filter. I feel good. I have never really felt that before.

But I accept it. And why not? :)

End of rant.

:cool:

Andro
09-04-2015, 04:50 AM
Dear Friend,

It's very moving to read what you wrote and to see you open up like that on the forum.

Also having a Gemini poker-face person in my life, I am (to some extent) trained to see through it. May not 'all the way', but enough.

There so much in the little that you wrote (forget the word count), and the last thing needed here is picking on Psycho-Semantics... It would be irrelevant...

We both seem to approach this sort of unconditional faith/surrender from slightly different angles, but I feel we are both embracing it, nevertheless.

All I can really give you is my genuine friendship and loyalty, and I believe this is mutual.

Thank you.

Ghislain
09-04-2015, 02:22 PM
Thanks Dev, that was really heartfelt and open...

Loved "The experience is the experience. Not the other way around." I am sure we will see that quote used in the future :)

Ghislain

zoas23
09-04-2015, 06:53 PM
The circumstances of my life lead me to an almost identical situation, even though it did not involve any entheogen.

This happened several years ago:
A strange "ball" showed up in my arm in just a week. I went to the doctor, the doctor asked me to visit an oncologist... the oncologist did several tests on me and finally told me that it was cancer. A cancer that was going to kill me in a few months. Actually, he didn't give me any hope of surviving, it was not among the possibilities he envisioned with this specific cancer. He simply suggested me that I should cut my arm in 3 months to live a few more months. I asked him to give me some time to get used to the idea. I finally accepted this surgery in which he was going to cut my arm to extend my life a bit more.

A day before the surgery I went to visit my cousin who is also a doctor and with an echograph she completely changed the diagnostic: it was similar to an "aneurism", but in the arm (a vein that got very thick, like a "bubble"). Such thing demanded a surgery, but it was just a minor surgery... very much a silly medical problem and very far from being life-threatening.

Anyway: for a bit more than 3 months I had an "imaginary cancer" (a "diagnosed cancer") and zero hope of any kind of recovery.

I felt VERY afraid when I was (wrongly) diagnosed. Afraid and sad. Also a bit angry.

The passing of time changed my perception. I fell in love with life, with the "whole", I was no longer afraid. I reached a perfect peace of mind and I used the time to say "good bye" to everyone... in most cases it was ME the one who was calming the other person (my different friends or family) and not the other way around.

The experience can only be described as an "enlightenment". The ideas of different schools of philosophy became crystal clear... I also "forgave" EVERYTHING... no feelings of "justice" or "injustice", but the feeling that everything was "justified".

My "trip" did not involve the AIB, but rather the "One" of Plotinus, the Ain Soph, the "Not-Other" of Nicholas of Kues and all my neo-platonic "bullshit" (I use the word in a tender way, not in an offensive way). It is probably the same thing, it's just that my head or mind is "switched" to understand the same thing in a different way.

My life surely changed:

BEFORE: I was often involved in life-threatening activities or at least had some fascination for them (I used to think that G.G. Allin was some sort of "role-model"... LOL). I loved everything that was risky, I loved the friendship of psychopaths (even if I have never been one of them, my nature has always been of the "kind" type).

AFTER: I got by far more tranquil and I've learnt to love life. I've learnt to say thank you.

When I was told that I was NOT going to die in just a few months.... I was very confused during the first days, but then I returned to my life. Everything was the same than before, except that I had a new perspective.

I loved reading your gospel, Dev. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for keeping this space, the forum, it is a true gem "hidden" among all the idiocy of the internet.

Wise words from the departing
Eat your greens, especially broccoli
And always say "thank you" especially for the things you never had
By working the soil we cultivate good manners
And cultivate the vegetable kingdom of your own making
By working the soil
By working the soil
We cultivate the sky
And enter the vegetable kingdom of Heaven
By working the soil
By working the soil

The death of your mother, the death of your father,
Is something you prepare for
All your life
For all our lives.

Wise words from the departing
Eat your greens, especially broccoli
Always wear sensible shoes and always say "please" and "thank you"
Especially for the things you never had

By working the soil we cultivate good manners
And enter the vegetable kingdom of your own making



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cvVdySem-Xc

P.S: For me it is specially touching that you mention your GIRLFRIEND, a character that for another person can be a "boyfriend".
I do STRONGLY believe that the girlfriend (or boyfriend) is a KEY part of a process like this one... that a process like this one leads to that special and unique person with whom we can share and experience the miracle of being one with another person. The miracle of being perfectly tranquil and understand everything beyond words.

Awani
09-07-2015, 12:16 AM
Thanks all... :)

To believe in God you have to have faith. You have to have faith that God exists.
In order to trust science you have to trust that what science says is true.
But to BE you don't have to do anything, but experience.
If you can do this with courage, you will see...
That with courage the Mind is free.

:cool:

Awani
09-07-2015, 12:21 AM
it is a true gem "hidden" among all the idiocy of the internet

Yes, hidden in plain sight.

:cool: