View Full Version : You can't say that!

02-06-2016, 01:01 AM
I am working on a stand-up comedy routine... this is a work in progress (very first draft)... and also remember comedy is "how" things are said mainly... not so much "what" is being said... so here you only get the actual words. ;)


Hey everybody!

Isn’t it ironic that the word funeral starts with F-U-N.. fun? Fun-eral. Anyone ever been to a fun-eral? [wait for response]

Ok. I never have. You know why? I’m still alive. That’s right. You’ll only see me at a funeral when I am fucking dead.

What a depressing thing to go to. And the only people who are depressed are the living. That fucking dude in the coffin, he ain’t depressed… he ain’t even there.

A 1000-dollar coffin. Basically a fucking box. You know there are people buried in a box more expensive than the box they drove to work with. What is wrong with this world? It costs money to die.

Guess that’s why cremation is popular. You can buy a smaller cheaper box. It’s like…

“You want this hand-crafted traditional solid redwood coffin with handles of pure gold?”

“No, fuck that. I just take my ashes to go. Just pour them in this Starbucks cup I found in the bin on the bus over here.”

Those funeral guys are like car salesman but with unlimited supply of customers. Because you don’t need a license to die. Everybody dies.

When I die I want everyone to just leave me there. Let the government come pick me up. Don’t claim the body. Just go:

“I ain’t fucking touching that.”

I’ve paid my taxes, so at least they can fucking dispose of my corpse. And don’t cry. Being sad over someone’s death is egoism.

“I can’t live without him.”

Well he could live without you! Statistically the husband always dies before the wife. Think about it. Could it be what she puts in the stew or the fact that his fucking soul is broken? Who knows, who knows…

In Swedish the word for married and the word for poison is the same thing. That’s right. But I’m married and I love my wife. I’m just talking shit because marriage jokes are comedic gold. Everyone loves jokes about relationships. I like jokes about serial killers.

You know how many serial killers you need to keep me entertained? Two thousand. I’ve already seen every YouTube documentary twice. Come on. Give me some more fucking material. And change it up a bit. Strangling women is so mainstream. Why not go on a body builder killing spree?

Can you imagine? Some dude raping and strangling body builders. That would be some hardcore shit. The guy would have to have hands as big as frying pans to get around those body builder guys fat fucking necks. But you know why it won’t happen? Because most serial killers are skinny wimpy fucking pussies. And why do they kill women? Maybe cause they are married. I got a solution. Get a fucking divorce. Or marry a gay body builder and show some balls.

Some things you can’t joke about. And that is basically going to be the theme of this performance. Just so you know. If you are a bit sensitive perhaps you should leave now.

Because as I said some things you just can’t joke about. But some things you can but only in a certain context. Like pedophilia.

If you are talking about priests fucking little boys that’s fine. But if you make a joke about fucking a girl one time and finding out she was a virgin because when she was going to blow you, you had to remove her pacifier.

Could be funny.

But it’s below the belt. People don’t want to hear that shit. Some things you cannot talk about. But all guys are pedophiles. Now wait. Think about it.

What do guys think are beautiful? Generally, speaking of heterosexual men… Well… women with big eyes. Like babies have. Rosy cheeks. Like babies have. Dressed in pink. Like little babies. They even call the women they fuck “baby”. And some of those women even call the guy fucking them for “daddy”. And the younger the more attractive. Ever noticed that?

There is some underlying pedophilia shit going on. I swear. And where does the line go? At 18? How come you go to prison if you fuck a 17 year old but if you fuck her three weeks later when she turns 18 no problem?

But you know young girls are overrated. When you want to eat a good meal you go to a three star restaurant with an experienced chef who spent his first three years cooking fucking rice, perfecting his methods. Some fucker that breathes and lives food. Same if you want to see a game. You rather watch the best athletes in the world go at it than some chain-smoking old fuckers. Who do you want to fly the plane? Some rookie or an experienced pilot? Same thing with girls. You want an experienced woman to suck your cock not some rookie virgin who’s only experience up to that moment is eating a fucking banana?

I don't care what all the women here pretend to not know what I am talking about but when it comes to bananas, cucumbers and fucking carrots YOU all know what I am talking about.

Ever noticed how a woman eats a banana… yeah… compared to a man.

[Show: Peel banana, try and eat it but can’t because it looks like blow job… finally just pretending to break off a piece and eat it.]

By the way do you women wonder why guys piss on the toilet seat or on the toilet floor? Why do we miss the toilet? I know why. I can give you the truth about that. But it only concerns guys that haven’t been circumcised.

Well sometimes when you piss the foreskin is not pulled back properly and causes the piss stream to be momentarily diverted. Sometimes we think we have pulled it all the way back but there is a small part still blocking part of the piss hole. That’s why.

But then you ask why don’t we wipe it up? Because were lazy fucking assholes that’s why.

I usually sit. But what I hate is when I’m finished pissing and I stand up and pull my underwear up and a stream of piss, that’s been hiding in the tube, just runs out into my underwear and down my leg. I hate when that happens. So maybe to avoid this its better to just fucking piss on the floor.

I am a father of a little girl. And I am worried when she gets older and start dating boys. I know what they want to do to her. And if anyone is going to fuck my daughter it is going to be me. Out of respect.

Ok I stole that bit from The Wolf of Wall Street. But in that movie the guy said he fucked his cousin out of respect... But I changed it to daughter because my cousin is ugly and my daughter is fucking hot.

You see. You see. Some things you just can’t fucking joke about. Why is that? It is only letters put together into words that form sentences. That’s it. And if you put these words in a certain way people get offended. That’s fucked up. Being upset over some noises that come out of some hairless monkeys mouth. Just weird.

But I like saying things you can’t speak about, or things people prefer not to speak about.

Israel for instance. What the fuck are they doing? They are stealing land, building walls like some fucking Cold War Déjà vu…and treating those Palestinians like dirty rats. And if you say anything against Israel you are anti-Semitic. What the fuck?

It is basically morally illegal and politically incorrect to criticize Israel and how they behave. Perhaps, just perhaps, Hitler tried to save us from these greedy fucking fascist Jews? Perhaps Hitler was on the right side of history?

Right now the Anti Defamation league are having a meeting about me and what they are going to do. Probably gas is one option.

No seriously come on people. You know how I really feel. Hitler was an asshole. And the Israeli government are assholes. They are both asshole. Sadly normal hardworking Jews and Palestinians are caught in the middle.

The irony is that rich fat American Jews actually funded Hitler. It’s not a conspiracy. It’s true. Look it up when you get home.

I went to Auschwitz once. Right at the entrance there’s a big fucking sign that says: You cannot question anything you learn in Auschwitz!

What the fuck? I wasn’t questioning anything until the very moment they told me I cant fucking question something. That’s fucked. Why plant something like that into my mind?

So then a guide took us around this fucking depressing place. And she said this is where this happened. This is where that happened. And naturally I hade no choice but to go:

“How do you know?”
And she went:
“We know.”
“But how?”
“What do you mean?”
“How do you know?”
“Because we do.“

Well, my God that is fucking some in-depth historical research in action. Now I understand why you can’t question anything… it’s because no one working there knows what the fuck they are talking about!

Don’t get me wrong. I don’t deny that there was a holocaust… certainly not - but don’t talk to me about the holocaust if you don’t talk about the holocaust of little African kids that is happening right now in Congo.

More people have been murdered there in the last 20 years than ever were killed in Auschwitz. And why are they killed? Because there is a mineral called Coltan and without this mineral smartphones and laptops won’t work. Coltan is the true black gold. Not oil.

Kids in the Congo are murdered and worked to death as slaves in Coltan mines so kids here in our world can play Xbox. So don’t fucking judge me for pissing on the holocaust. We are all pissing on a true holocaust happening right now as I am speaking. Every second. Child murdered. Now. Now. Now.

[Keep saying “now” while taking a selfie on stage.]

Man I really managed to bring a lot of negativity into this. Not sure how to get out of this one. That’s what happens when you say things you really should not speak about.

But hey, just so you know: I fucking hate racism and homophobia.

I come with a message of love. But I like to say things I can’t say. Why? Because it’s a fucking disease. I can’t help it. Even if I disagree I just cannot not do it.

Like when girls asks me about their weight. If I think they look like they gained weight and I know what they want to hear, and I just cant help myself…

“I’m sorry but well you’re so fat that you’re blocking my fucking Wi-Fi signal.”

Ok so I’ve probably managed to upset most women, certainly all the Jews… a couple of serial killers probably… by the way any serial killers here tonight? No?

Who else? Probably everyone else here with a P.C. stick up their ass. Sorry about that… maybe I can win you all over with this true story about fucking pigs.

I have a friend that had to spend some time in prison in Bangkok. The good thing if you end up in prison in Thailand is that they don’t like homosexuality… I mean good if your straight… pretty shitty if you ain’t… hopefully they have bananas…

Anyway guys still need to fuck. So he told me that they had pigs at the prison. Not cops… real pigs. And if you bribed the guard with one pack of cigarettes you could fuck one of them. Apparently the vagina of a pig is anatomically very similar to the vagina of a woman…

So why do women call men pigs? Maybe we should call women pigs? Next time you argue with your wife just say: you fucking cunt of a pig!

Anyway the kicker to this pig story is that – and listen carefully – if you bribed the guards with two… yes two… packets of cigarettes you could choose which pig to fuck.

Ok people: how the fuck do you choose which pig to fuck? What are the basics to what is attractive here? I don’t get it? Is it the shape of the ass… how the tail of the pig is curled? The one with the least bush? Do pigs even have a bush? Fuck I don’t know…

All I know is that my friend, after ten years in that fucking joint, is strictly eating soya beans and fucking salad. No bacon. No fucking way! Vegan for life!

(to be continued.)


02-06-2016, 02:38 AM
I think there were some typos etc - but I was mostly concerned with content.
Gods that is some funny shit. XD

Keep that up. :)


02-06-2016, 03:03 AM
Thanks. :)

It still needs a lot of work.. tempo etc... re-phrase some things... but like I said still working on it... and this is just the beginning. Going to try to get an hour together and eventually you'll see my special on Comedy Central (after which I get arrested). Probably. ;)


02-06-2016, 05:06 AM
I gave you my opinion and tips in private, but here's a longer version of what I suggest you:

1) Watch in youtube the COMPLETE performance (a complete show) of an artist like Bill Hicks or Eddy Izzard... and then watch it again, but this time taking notes about the structure. They both look very spontaneous, but there's a quite complex structure behind their shows. Try to find the "Big Blocks" and the the "small blocks" inside their performance... and also how they go back to certain subjects in an unexpected way... and specially how they create symbols, this is very much like Hermeticism or Alchemy texts... a comedy show involves creating a lot of symbols which are "esoteric" of the performance itself (i.e, Bill Hicks with the microphone in his mouth as a symbol of sucking Satan's cock), of course the symbols have to be "explained" and make sense to anyone in the audience.

2) Repetition is often very funny... the underrated Jerry Lewis was a genius in that sense. If you fall to the ground once it's not funny... but if you keep on falling to the ground by "accident" when nobody expects it, then it can become funny if it is done properly. Same thing goes for the "esoteric symbols"... you clearly have one: the banana... so you can investigate what happens if after you gave the banana an "esoteric symbolism" you eat a banana whilst talking about Hitler or your friend in prison.

3) I suggest you to create SMALL cards like these ones:

You should be able to play with the cards on a table, so they have to be analogic (touchable paper)... as to let you investigate if a different order works better... this is very much like editing a film, you know, you wrote a film with the scenes in a certain order... but once you are editing you may find out that a different order works better.

You can also use the cards to understand better the concepts you are using and maybe write a few key words that didn't come to your mind (a silly example: you talked about fucking pigs and about jewish and muslims... so you may relate the Jewish and Muslim taboo about pigs to the "block" related to sex with pigs... this example is probably stupid, but I'm just trying to explain the idea of how to use these cards).

4) Go back to youtube and watch a few videos of Izzard or Hicks or your favorite comedian, but WITHOUT sound... investigate the way in which they move, their gestures with the hands and with their faces.

5) Hypnotize the audience... stand up comedy is basically theater... which is certainly about hypnotizing the audience. I will mention again Hicks and Izzard because they are really good doing this trick: they are ALL THE TIME creating invisible objects that the audience can somehow "see".

This is a short example of what I mean:


In this clip he made the audience "see" a fish, a tree, a dog and a cookie.
It is very much like ceremonial magic... which involves seeing, say, a pentagram that only exists in the imagination... but it's a powerful pentagram, as much as the fish of Izzard is very powerful and looks very funny (a prop of a fish would not look funny, but this "imaginary" fish is certainly funny).


You have a lot of good concepts (or ideas/topics)... I think you should investigate a bit more on how to organize them and also explore how to make them even more funny. You are certainly clever and a good speaker (I know it because of your podcasts)... If I were you, I would focus myself a bit more on "organization" (of the script) and how to say the same things in an even funnier way (i.e, discovering the "tricks" that make people laugh).

And after all these ideas and some "criticism", I have to say that you have a good script and a good idea.

02-06-2016, 05:19 AM
Yes those are good ideas for sure. But I think I will bang out "the rest" first... and once I have all the material I am going to do what you just said. ;)


02-06-2016, 03:23 PM
:) loved it...


02-06-2016, 03:24 PM
You might like the British comedian Jimmy Carr - he likes to go very non PC, and he somehow gets away with it, nearly like he is taunting the audience to boo him.

02-06-2016, 05:52 PM

Yeah I know Carr (and it is easy to do his style when you are famous, you have an automatic power of the audience).

In fact I know probably most stand-up comedians. ;)