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Amon

Nebulous Memories

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Its hard to pinpoint your earliest memory, especially when you fail to recall the age during which it was recorded. As a result, i will simply gather all the fragmented memories from before moving to my current location.

My parents were divorced, and i was staying with my mother and her side of the family. There would be around 4-5 females in the house with no males present aside from me. I was the center of attention at that point (until the age of 7 i think). My grandmother was quite strict and had no qualms about making my ass cheeks kiss a leather belt whenever i decided to refuse to eat the not so well cooked food of hers and other miscellaneous stuff. A relative of ours who used to stay with us was also in the same category, though instead of physical punishment, she tended to shout quite a lot and still does. She behaved more like a brute like a learned cultivated person, considering she had no education and came from a God forsaken village. And then there were my mother and her 2 younger sisters. I was my mother's first born, and the other 2 had no children yet, so all 3 of them had me on a pedestal like some kind of brittle art piece. That is to say, they granted me almost any favor, like giving their junk food to me if i asked for it, getting me toys and all the mundane things a kid wastes his mental power at.
During the weekends, i would go to my dad's place and i was really looking forward to it, considering it was the only place i could play video games. At that age i was mind blown by Age Of Mythology and would be a real pain in my dad's ass to give me the cheat codes, which he did with no great amount of pressure. But other than that, i didn't do anything "special" or constructive with him nor was he a great role model.
Then i remember the youngest of my aunts getting a dog. A white small dog, which would stay at the house with us. I remember having warm feelings for that dog, as it was practically my only friend at that point. And then again, i recall locking my self in a room with it and terrorizing it, maybe even abusing it. I would kick it and punch it, or throw it around and shout at it, not with the greatest of force but still more than enough to get its tail between its legs. While this was taking place, i would experience a cocktail of emotions like sorrow and anger. And after i would see the dog tremble in fear, i would cry and hug it, calming it down to the point it seemed like it forgot everything that happened within the last few moments and had its tail wagging ready to play. And after a few minutes, the cycle began again. It was quite destructive for my psyche but for some reason i kept doing it for quite sometime, a couple of hours within a week, for weeks.
Of course the most vivid memory from that period was a wooden ethiopian statue that looked like the precursor of the troll doll, with long white hair standing up and a slim figure. This object would terrorize me in my dreams for years. I would wake up in my mother's room during the night, and would hear a voice calling. The voice had a trickster, playful tinge to it. The lights in the rest of the house were off. I would exit the room, leaving the door half open, and walk down the dark corridor. About half way through the corridor, was the door to the living room. I would push that door slightly open and slip through it, only to hear the voice crack a mightly held-in giggle, then i would turn and see the doll in a size a bit larger than the real one, at which point it would burst out laughing while floating towards me with its body frozen in place. Of course i panicked and ran back to my mother's room, during which run the hallway seemed to stretch out and something draining my endurance, making me run slower. And as i would grab the door knob and shout at my mother, it would get a hold of my legs pulling me backwards and me slamming down at the floor and then dragged away from the light into absolute darkness as i cried all the humidity in my body. At that point i would wake up crying with a heart beat loud enough to block most other sounds. My mother and/or her sisters would come to calm me down, which was effective but utterly pointless in the long run as this went on for 3 years or something. I remember that hiding the doll away didn't really affect anything.
At the kindergarten not much remains in my memory aside from the fact that i attended it together with my cousin. They would periodically line us up and just shoves us a mouthful of home cooked food when launch time was up and everybody was excited whenever french fries were on the menu. I also had this friend, Jason, whose face i thought looked weird, like his mother had given birth while walking down the street and he slammed face first into the concrete. He wasn't a bad kid, but his attitude began to scare me after some time and i would feel uncomfortable when my mother suggested that we invite him over to play or at my birthday. It could be his pushy attitude, or should i say aggressiveness? This look of discomfort that appears on a kid's face when you tell them something they don't like. That i perceived as aggressive. Perhaps by connecting it to the face of my grand mother whenever i refused to do things her way and she adopted a similar facial expression.

I believe that's a deep enough dive for one day. I can already see something of value in there, although barely.

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Comments

  1. Loki Morningstar's Avatar
    Loki Morningstar -
    The honesty in this post is breathtaking, and awe inspiring. This is a powerful piece of work. Reading this has really opened me up to the idea of sharing more of myself with myself, and with others. Thank you for a wonderful read, and for the inspiration.
  2. Aham's Avatar
    Aham -
    Wow! An interesting past for sure.

    Do you remember what made the nightmare with the Ethiopian Troll doll stop or did you just grow out of it?