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Amon

High School memories

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As expressed in the last input, i always felt as sort of an outsider at school thanks to the nickname "black boy" that i was given. I believe its this feeling of not belonging somewhere, that led me to later join a bully team who would mainly harass this mentally retarded child who had the bad habbit of eating his own snot. Despite the bad nature of the group, there was a floating sense of inclusiveness, in which i felt welcomed, and acted as enough of a drug to not let me immediately realize what we were engaging in was wrong.

My relations with kids in general after that point in my life became somewhat awkward or submissive to an extent. I recall my friends would call me and urge me to go play basketball with them and a bunch of others, and i was always terrified of clearly speaking my mind, saying "i am not feeling it" or "not in the mood" so i would either not pick up the phone or have my mother tell them i am asleep.
As for my performance at school, the teachers always said i was very smart but my laziness and lack of diligence would be my downfall. Which turns out to be true, although more of an impediment, than actual permanent downfall (at least not yet).

Then high school happened. Most of my old classmates went to the same school as me. As per usual, groups were formed, and i stuck with another kid who was one of the smartest in my class and 2 others who also came from my last school. It came as no surprise that we bonded over our "love" for mischief, where a roguery per day was standard. Bullying of an old retarded classmate of mine and destruction of public property included (albeit, not sustained for long). At this age another one of my deficiencies showed up. My complete inability to approach girls. Lacking confidence and having no clue on how to express my liking to a girl was quite horrible. In Greece there is a habit of sending kids to private schools to learn English, considering how public school foreign language classes amount to anything but total waste of taxes. There, a classmate (3 years older) would "sexually" harass me. The use of quotation marks to indicate no sexual acts took place, aside from touching. Obviously made me very uncomfortable, but what really damaged me was my own lack of initiative to act against it. Another strike against my confidence levels. There was also this girl, 3 years older as well, who at some point asked me to be her boyfriend. I can't tell wether she was joking or not, because next time i had to go to that school, i started crying because i was too afraid to tell her "no". After that, the topic never came up again.
Meanwhile in high school, i became close with one of the boys from our gank (4 in total) who embodied what i would like to be ( to a point). Assertive, playfully vexing with the girls (commonly to referred to as: flirtatious), confident in his opinion and strength. Eventually, he got the attention of the girl that i liked, at which point he noticed my mood changed and pointed it out. I was not as good an actor as i had thought. That however did not ruin our relationship, as we kept hanging out and doing stupid things together. During that time, i began to read some books my father used to buy. I would place them into the "conspiracy" category as they talked about the story of entire world as beautifully concatenated tales from all sorts of sources, like world mythology, apocryphas, prophetic books etc. It was these books that gave me the first wake-up punch and burst the high school ignorance bubble. From worrying about how to capture the attention on a girl to "the sun is going to fart and burn out all electrical devices". It was during these times, that i came across the first reading on the philosopher's stone. Perhaps though, my interest was only picked by these topics because i was totally unable to fit into high school the way i wanted.

The skills i lacked i never obtained during this period, and no sort of growth took place. Only deeper rot.

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