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On the way into adulthood

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During the rest of my time at school, few things happened . One memorable thing was the depressive state i was in, each day i had to wake up and drag myself to this pathetic excuse of an educational center. I literally hated it. To add to that, i disliked most of my classmates. Their constant babbling about nonsense really acted like a drill in my head. My perception of the world was quite pessimistic and i wanted nothing more than to somehow escape this shithole we called a "civilized society".
Looking back on it of course, i believe i can trace this reaction to my inability to blend with the crowd. But of course time stops for none, and the time came where he had to pick a branch that would decide our future employment. The theoritical branch, the sciences branch and the technical one.
Having the philosopher's stone in the back of my mind, i thought i would go for the sciences, since chemistry would probably come in handy in my endeavor to create it. I was already reading up alchemical texts and participated in the forum owned by Nicholas D. Collete (prior to his passing). In hindsight, i see what an idiot i was. These things gave me a huge hope for the future. I was reading and reading texts, without realizing what they were all about, without having the mental clarity or focus to dig through and make some sense out of them, and the real frustrating part (which i believe everyone at some point worried about) was the countless claims about the "one prima materia", it being piss, or wine, or cinnabar, or stibnite, or realgar etc. Eventually this "work" did more harm than good as i was getting fed up and furious very quickly reading statements like "the one and only way" or "the true way" or "true philosopher", as if such statements have any worth other than to gain some respect for the writer. So at some point, i dropped the subject alltogether.
The time came to pick a university, after all the crappy preparations for the anxiety nuke known as "national examinations". I had the luck to fail meeting the criteria for my first choice (biology) and ended up in the chemistry department, which revitilized my interest for alchemy. I think it was during this time that i became a member here as well.
So there i was, 18 years of age, after 6+ years soaked in misery and complete negativity,i was free to make a fresh start. To become someone new. Of course, none of that happened, because i failed to identify the problem properly, which was myself and not the environment.
So here i am now, 21 years of age, soon to be 22, still not knowing what i am doing or where i am going, lacking a source of inner strength and i find fair to say i have given up. To make a fire analogy, i am but an ember when i could be a raging flame.

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  1. Andro's Avatar
    Andro -
    Hi Amon,

    You're still very, very young. A lot can change. Confusion and not knowing what to do is quite "normal", especially at your age (and at any age actually)...

    i failed to identify the problem properly, which was myself and not the environment
    I wouldn't underestimate the impact of the environment and the role it plays in our energy and general well-being.

    Perhaps you should consider relocating to an environment that is more friendly and conductive to your "inner wiring"?

    I wish I could encourage you, but I don't really know how...

    What is it that you want the most?
  2. Amon's Avatar
    Amon -
    Greetings Andro,

    I agree that the environment does play a significant role in our well being, however there is this looming idea in my head that it would be optimal to become unaffected by it, or at least develop some resistance to its negative effects. This i believe stems from my ideas regarding true strength/power, which i will delve into at some point later when i express my philosophical thoughts.
    Reallocation unfortunately is not an option seeing how tight things are economically in Greece, and they don't seem to be getting any better.

    As for your last question, that is indeed, the ultimate question. For which i have no answer. Yet.

    Best regards